


The Weight of Living

by preciousbunnynoiz



Series: Love doesn't fix all but can help [3]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Disassociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-21 19:17:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9562856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/preciousbunnynoiz/pseuds/preciousbunnynoiz
Summary: Yuri is upset at the thought of starting therapy but Victor is there to help him through his fears and doubts.





	1. Chapter 1

Yuri couldn’t sleep.

It was the second night in a row he had failed to get any sleep.

Victor had taken one look at him and called Yakov to cancel practice for the both of them.  Yuri winced at that and had apologised but now was sat on the couch staring off into space. He had tried to get his breakfast but kept knocking things over because he felt so remote from everything around him. Like he was wearing thick gloves. In fact, he didn’t feel anything at the moment, he knew Victor was speaking to him but couldn’t hear him very well.

 _“Oh”_ he thought, _“I’m disassociating”_ after a while. He knew the term from the times he’d tried to get temporary help in Detroit and from online research but it always caught him off guard.

He felt he should tell Victor but words were hard right now. Carefully he took out his phone and opened his messages.

“I’m disassociating right now” he sent to Victor. There was a pause and Yuri was vaguely aware of Victor moving throughout the apartment before something warm was wrapped around his shoulders and a warm mug was pushed into his hands.

“Breathe it in” Victor’s voice cut through the haze in Yuri’s mind and he took a deep breath, the smell of peppermint cutting through the fog even more.  Tentatively he took a sip and the strong taste and the feel of the hot tea and the warm blanket wrapped around him and the gentle grounding touch of Victor’s hand on his knee slowly brought him back to himself.

“I…I’m okay” He said after he had drunk about half the tea.  Victor frowned at him and Yuri gave a small smile, “Alright, no I’m not okay but I’m better than I was a little while ago.” He amended.

“Thank you for being honest. Now I know you haven’t been sleeping and it seems you’ve been…having a harder time lately. Do you know why?” Victor asked, his thumb still rubbing small circles into Yuri’s knee.

Yuri took another sip of the peppermint tea as he tried to sort out what to say.

“I don’t like seeing doctors. Especially not therapists,” he admitted finally in a small voice.

“Okay, can you tell me why?” Victor’s voice was soothing and calm and concerned.  It gave Yuri strength.

“…I had bad experiences with doctors in the states about my mental health. It triggers my anxiety now and besides…I don’t really have a reason to complain or be depressed anymore. Other people have it way worse than me. I shouldn’t complain and I’m just being an attention seeking liar.” Yuri whispered the last.

“Yuri I’m going to your appointment with you tomorrow, I promise to protect you and your problems are valid.” Victor told him.

“But other people…” Yuri began before Victor cut him off.

“Aren’t you. Your problems are your own and are valid.” Victor told him quietly.

“…Maybe, but when I’m sat in front of a doctor all I can think of is how much of a whiny brat I am.” Yuri finally answered looking down at his mug.

“What do you need?” Victor always asked questions like that. He didn’t try to tell Yuri what to do with his mental health, he asked what Yuri needed.  The only thing he insisted on was Yuri actually seeing a therapist and even Yuri could understand why.

“…I need long term help.” This was hard to admit. Before he would only go and seek help if his depression interfered with his skating and then would drop it once he could skate again.

“Okay, what do you want out of that help.” Victor asked a little more.

“…I want to not be so scared. I want to understand why I hate myself and why I’m so depressed even though I have everything I ever wanted. I don’t understand that. I’m engaged to my childhood idol who I love, living in his house, training with him and having him as my coach. I have a wonderful family and excellent friends. Why am I still like this?” He put down the mug and started crying, his hands in his hair, “Why can’t I just be happy?”

He felt Victor’s arms surround him and pull him against his chest.

“I don’t know much about depression and anxiety but I know it’s not something that can be fixed just by having good things in your life. That’s why there are doctors who deal with this sort of thing. It’s okay to need help” Victor said petting his hair.

“I do love you, and I’m happy in a lot of ways with our lives…but I just can’t stop this…” it was an apology as much as an admission.

“I know you love me and I love you too” Victor murmured into his hair, there was a pause before he continued, “Hey, how about I help you write a list of what you feel you want to work on and your concerns about therapy.”

Yuri nodded against his chest.

“Okay, we’ll do that.” Victor kissed his hair.

They spent the next hour writing down a list of concerns and things Yuri wanted to work on and then spent the rest of the day watching Yuri’s favourite movies while cuddled up on the couch.

Yuri was still nervous about seeing the therapist but felt a lot better than he had when he woke up.  There was still a sense of guilt about needing help when he had someone like Victor loving him but Victor didn’t seem to be angry with him about it. Tomorrow Yuri was going to see the therapist and hopefully things would start to get better.

Yuri was still scared but determined. Victor was right, he couldn’t keep living like this and he didn’t want to. He had so much to be happy about and he wanted it. He could do this, Victor would help him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Victor makes Yuri peppermint tea because he looked up self care tips for people disassociating on his phone.
> 
> Again Yuri's experiences with mental health problems are based entirely on my own experiences. This is how I disassociate and my issues I had with seeking help the first time.


	2. Chapter 2

Yuri couldn’t stop his leg from bouncing as he sat across from the therapist.  Victor squeezed his hand reassuringly.

“Okay Yuri can you tell me a bit about why you’re here today?” the woman sitting across from them asked.  Her smile was friendly and her office comfortable and smelling nicely of lavender. She had introduced herself as Jenny explaining that she was from England but had been living and working in St. Petersburg for over a decade.  Somehow her being an immigrant made Yuri feel a bit better. Yet Yuri ducked his head and then looked between Victor and her in some distress instead of answering her question.

“Yuri why don’t you give her the paper we worked on yesterday.” Victor prompted much to Yuri’s relief.  He held out the notebook he had been holding in a white-knuckled grip out to the therapist in a shaking hand.

She took it from him with a reassuring smile and read through his concerns and wishes with thoughtful expression.

“This is actually very helpful,” she said after reading it through, “May I take a photocopy of this before you leave today?” Yuri nodded and she put the notebook down before clicking her pen and raising it to her own notebook.

“I noticed one of your fears is that you’ll be wasting my time but I want you to think about this; I am literally getting paid for my time. No matter how silly you think your problems are I am literally getting paid to help you with them so how could it be a waste of my time?” Jenny said this with a smile and Victor made a sound of protest but Yuri felt a laugh bubble up and out.  He had never thought about it like that before but she was right. She was getting paid to listen to whatever pointless bullshit he brought up.  He felt Victor relax next to him as he giggled.

“Okay yeah that makes sense.” Yuri admitted.

“Now I’m afraid this is mostly going to be a getting to know you and assess where you need help meeting so it won’t seem like a lot is going to happen, but I will give you some homework at the end to help you with the self-harm issue.” Jenny assured him. Being told he’d be given some homework was…reassuring actually. Yuri let a little more tension out of his shoulders though his leg wouldn’t stop its nervous rhythm. He nodded to show he understood.

“Now Yuri, I understand you want Victor with you as moral support but if at any time you’d feel more comfortable being alone please let us know and Victor can wait in the waiting room and be called back if you need him.” Yuri’s eyes flicked between Jenny and Victor as she told him this and he licked his lips nervously.

“O…okay” he said finally.

Yuri answered questions for the next 45 minutes with Victor stepping in when Yuri looked at him pleadingly to do so and backing off once Yuri was able to talk again. His leg eventually stopped bouncing and he found he didn’t mind Jenny.  She didn’t seem to be bored or fed up with him like the last doctor he’d seen about his mental health and she was certainly non-judgmental.

“Okay.  Now Yuri I think we have enough information for me to put together a care plan to go over with you next time to make sure we’re doing a treatment you’re happy with.  However, I would like to refer to you a colleague who is a psychiatrist to discuss medication options.” Yuri felt himself to deflate when she said this.  

“Oh…I um…I don’t like medication” he told her softly. She nodded and leaned forward in her chair.

“I understand that, I heard you when you said you had bad experiences with medications in the past, about how they made you feel unable to feel anything. However not all medications are alike. I personally had a very bad experience with one type of medication after the birth of my first child but found another one to be perfect for me and I still find it very useful.” She explained.  That made Yuri pause and he looked her in the eye for the first time.

“You take medication?” he asked looking at her with wide eyes.  She smiled and tilted her head to the side.

“Guilty as charged.  I have chronic depression though it’s currently in remission in part thanks to my medication. Seeing a psychiatrist doesn’t mean medication has to be a part of your future but it’s sensible to be assessed. If you like both myself and Victor can be there for that meeting” she offered and Yuri felt himself give her a hesitant smile.

“That would be good thank you” he almost whispered.

“Okay, if you could find out the names of the medications that disagreed with you that will be a huge help.  Now for your homework,” she slid a rubber band off the arm of her chair and handed it to Yuri, “Put that on your wrist, when you feel the urge to self-harm I want you to flick the band against your wrist. It will help satisfy the urge without causing you any actual damage. If that isn’t enough I want you to hold ice cubes in your hands, if you can think of anything else that helps fulfil the urge that doesn’t cause you actual harm go ahead and do that. Can you do that for me Yuri?” she smiled at him when he nodded his head, “Okay that’s good, now I have to ask. Do the knives and medications in your house need to be moved where you can’t get to them. It’s important to be honest with both me and Victor about that.”

There was a long pause before Yuri gave a little nod.

“I’ll move them when we get home” Victor assured them both giving Yuri’s hand a squeeze.

“That’s very good, thank you for being honest Yuri. I’ll get to work on that plan and we’ll meet at the same time next week okay?” Jenny said standing up and shaking their hands as Victor and Yuri also stood.

“Yes…thank you.” Yuri gave her another shy smile before they left.  That…went a lot better than Yuri had expected. The last three doctors he’d seen about his mental health wanted to prescribe him pills and get him out of the office.  The one therapist he had tried to go to before just stared at him while he tried to talk about what was wrong. He had gone three times before giving up.  But Jenny was different, she engaged with him and gave him something practical he could do. Yuri had never felt so motivated to do something about his mental health before.

“So what did you think of her?” Victor asked as he navigated their car through the carpark.

“…I actually liked her” Yuri admitted. Victor shot him a quick smile.

“Good, I did too.”

They rode in silence for a bit.

“…Victor?” Yuri asked shifting in his seat.

“Yes dear?”

“I’m going to get better. I’m going to work hard to make this work.” Yuri was surprised by the conviction in his own voice but he was tired, tired of always hating himself. Tired of always being anxious and afraid. Tired of never feeling good enough. He remembered what Jenny had told him about 90% of the work coming from him but he felt motivated to make that happen now.  He felt like he could make that happen.  He had Victor and Jenny was happy to help even if it was just because it meant she got paid but that was at least enough reason that he felt okay taking up her time.

“Of course you will” Victor’s voice cut through his thoughts and Yuri glanced at his fiancé who was smiling at the road ahead, “I never doubted that you would.”

Of course, it wasn’t that easy.  Just having conviction to get better did not make one mentally well. That night while Victor was in the shower the itchy feeling under his skin returned. He desperately wanted to self-harm but he didn’t want to either.  He flicked the rubber-band and at first it eased the urge away but soon it wasn’t enough. Yuri was struck with a desire to mark his skin. Looking around kind of desperately his eyes fell on a permanent marker on the coffee table. Picking it up he pulled off the cap and brought the tip to the inside of his left wrist. The bloom of ink filled him with comfort.

So, this is what he needed.

He thought of what to write, because words seemed to good.  The first instinct was to write insults, the words his mind was throwing at him.

Bad.

Worthless.

Ugly.

But he knew that wouldn’t actually help.

He took a deep breath and began to write in English.

Loved.

Wanted.

Strong.

That last one felt like a lie because he wanted it to mean emotionally but he knew that wasn’t true, but he felt at least physically strong so that helped the guilt away. He sighed and recapped the pen.  The need to hurt himself, to mark his skin was fading and there was a relief in knowing that the pen marks would hang around for a few days.  He sighed and sat back on the sofa with his eyes closed.

“What’s this?” Yuri felt a hand slide over his chest and another one to slide down his arm and over the words he’d written.

“The rubber-band wasn’t working.  This did.” Yuri explained.

“You wrote compliments” Victor’s voice sounded pleased which got Yuri to open his eyes and look at his lover.

“Well I thought insults would be counter-productive despite really really wanting to write them.” He said with an almost laugh.

Victor straightened up and walked around to sit on the couch next to Yuri.  He picked up the pen and then ran a finger up Yuri’s right forearm.

“Can I add to them?” Victor asked in a soft voice. There was a moment of stillness and then Yuri nodded. 

There was a click of a pen cap coming off and Yuri closed his eyes and he felt the cool ink on his arm.  He looked down once he heard the pen cap click back on.

Beautiful.

Brave.

Kind.

Adorable.

Those were the words now adorning his right arm.

“I don’t feel any of those things.” Yuri whispered as he looked down at his arms.  Victor kissed his forehead.

“I know but just remember, I would never lie to you.”

They were at practice the next day, being on the ice felt better now that they’d had the appointment with Jenny and with the words on his arms hidden under his sleeves.

They worked hard and Yuri was taking a break on a bench as Victor talked through his notes when Yurio stopped on the ice in front of where they were sat.

“What’s with the words on your arms Katsudon?”

Yuri froze, his chest felt tight and he could hear his heartbeat thudding loudly in his ears. He had pushed his sleeves up without thinking and then words adorning his arms were exposed.

Mila and Georgi came up to lean on the boards either side of Yurio also looking like they wanted an answer.

“You don’t have to answer them,” Victor whispered lowly in his ear, a hand on his knee. Yuri took a deep breath and was about to tell them to leave it when a thought struck him. Yurio was a teenager sure and teens are angsty but Yurio was almost too angry. He had a lot pain he carried and while Yuri’s way of dealing with emotional pain was to withdraw and Victor’s was to put on a cheerful front Yurio dealt with it by anger and considering what Yuri had learned about that teen’s family history…

Maybe being honest could help someone, maybe by making it a taboo subject Yurio or someone like him could be hurt someday.

He made a decision.

“It’s to stop me self-harming.” He said it softly but refused to wince as everything went dead quiet around him.

“What?” Yuri was surprised how distressed Yurio looked.  The young teen skated over to the gate and fumbled with his skate guards before coming over to drop to the bench next to Yuri.

“I saw a therapist about it yesterday, it's why we weren't at practice. It really shouldn’t be a surprise that I have anxiety and depression” Yuri was able to laugh a little but that was more from nerves.

“I thought you just had like performance nerves I didn’t know it was full on depression! What did you even write?” Yurio looked pale and like he either wanted to hug or hit Yuri and couldn’t decide which. Yuri held out his arms for the younger skater to see.

“I did the left and Victor did the right” Yuri explained as the young skater read the words.  Yurio’s lips went into to a thin line before he held out a hand to Victor.

“Got a pen?” he demanded and Victor wordlessly handed him one. Clicking his tongue in irritation Yurio scrawled a phrase across Yuri’s arm between the words Victor had written before he stood and went to get back on the ice.

Perfect at step sequences it read.

“Thank you Yurio!” Yuri said with a genuine smile, he hadn’t expected the teen to do that.

“I wanna write something!” Mila called holding her hand out to Yuri.

“I’ll add one as well.” Georgi added.

Yuri took the pen from where Yurio had left it on the bench and brought it over to Mila and Georgi and held out his arms.

Honest is what Georgi wrote on his left arm.

Cute as a baby bunny is what Mila wrote on his right.

Then Mila gave him a kiss on the cheek before they skated away as Yakov yelled at them to stop slacking off.

Yuri gave a small smile before turning his attention back to his free skate that he had been discussing with Victor before this all began.  Victor smiled but said nothing about what had happened.

They were heading out the door when Yakov called Victor over. Yuri fidgeted by the doorway as the two men spoke Russian for a while and then Victor nodded and headed back his way, but inside of pushing the door open he pulled the pen out of his pocket and pulled off Yuri’s left glove.

Disciplined is what he wrote on the back of his hand.

“From Yakov” he explained before kissing Yuri and replacing the glove on his hand.

They walked home quietly before Victor nudged Yuri with his shoulder.

“Did it help?” he asked, he didn’t need to elaborate on what he meant.

“Yeah.  I still hate myself but I’m seeing how much support I have here, even if I feel I don’t deserve it.” Yuri told him honestly.  Victor nodded and then reached down to hold Yuri’s hand in his own.

“I’m proud of you, you didn’t have to share that but you did. I think that’s really going to help Yurio” Victor told him.

“I hope so, but I’m glad it worked out.” Yuri said leaning against his lover “I still hate myself Victor” he said it quietly and Victor hugged him close.

“I know, and I know there are no quick fixes but we’ll work hard together okay?”

“Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four things to take note of:
> 
> 1\. The doctor's history with medication is based on my own. When my kid was 6 months old I had a psychotic break thanks to the medication I was on for depression. I was swapped to a medication from a different "family" of anti-depressants and haven't had a problem with my meds since and they do help. But I know medication isn't for everyone. That's why Yuri is being assessed about medication but will not be pressured into taking any.
> 
> 2\. Yuri's method of dealing with self-harm urges by writing positive things on his arms is legit what I do to deal with my urges as it's more about marking the skin then the actual pain for me. Though I also use a rubber-band for pain urges.
> 
> 3\. Yurio has a history of depression in his family is a personal head-canon which but is also why Yuri decides to be open about his struggles. He wants it to make it clear to Yurio that asking for help is okay.
> 
> 4\. Victor is being a saint but it's not going to last. The next fic will probably deal with Victor struggling to be supportive and feeling guilty about it. Loving someone who has depression and anxiety is not an easy thing and we need to see Victor deal with the negative aspects of that.


End file.
